4 Simple Steps for Honoring Your Capacity Through Chronic Illness
Before my health took a turn, I was one of those people that appeared to have it all together (or so I’m told.) True, I set (and achieved) ambitious goals and was very self-disciplined. I worked hard when I wore each of my hats - as a therapist, as a mom, as a wife, and as a Phd student. As much as I loved each of those roles, they all required a certain amount of energy from me.
Eventually when my energetic expenditure exceeded my ability to recharge, I experienced burnout in a catastrophic way.
It sounds silly to say this now, but at the time I didn’t exactly recognize these roles as “causing stress.” (Anyone who has ever raised tiny humans or has written a dissertation knows how much energy and dedication is involved with those tasks, and those are just a few of the things I was juggling.) I guess I thought that just because I enjoyed the roles and wanted to be part of them, that meant they came without an energetic price tag.
For me, the stress of my roles seemed to be the catalyst for my health unraveling (or at least that’s the order I recognized the chain of events).
I was about a year and a half into my Phd program when I became pregnant with my oldest son. This was a really exciting but also very challenging time for me. Although I was well supported at home, pregnancy still takes a physical and mental toll, and to say I was depleted by the final month of pregnancy truly feels like an understatement.
In the same time frame, my Phd work was really reaching a peak with internship and dissertation happening in the upcoming year. At first, many of the changes happening in my body were easy for me to brush off as a first time mom. (Maybe everyone has this much pain during pregnancy? Yes, I’m so tired I can’t stay awake when I sit down, but that’s normal for someone with all this on their plate, right? Doesn’t everyone retain so much fluid in their feet it hurts to stand up?)
My doctors were quite dismissive as well, but that’s a topic for another day.
By the time my beautiful son was born, I felt so relieved to be through what I thought was going to be the toughest part of the physical experience, but my body continued to struggle. In hindsight, I’ve recognized that the stress of pregnancy and all the immune system and hormonal adjustments that occur naturally during that time had kickstarted an autoimmune response in my body. I started having pain my doctors couldn’t explain (but also didn’t seem too concerned about?), first in my shoulders, then my back, and then my feet and hands.
I was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on my studies and write my dissertation as well, between the pain in my hands and the syrupy feeling in my brain. Those around me attributed my foggy thinking and forgetfulness to “Mom Brain” and while some of that rang true (my little bundle of joy certainly was taking up a lot of my focus), I knew that wasn’t the full story.
One day it finally hit me - I was trying to live a life full of responsibilities and obligations that no longer matched my current capacity.
Even though I didn’t yet have a label for what was happening (that came a few years later, after many appointments where my concerns were dismissed), RA had snuck into my life and was quietly draining me of the energy, focus, attention, and capacity I had taken for granted for so long.
So I finally got honest with myself and asked, “does the life I have been designing before my health shift match the season of life and health I am in currently?”
The honest answer was no, but I spent some time being stubborn before I was ready to admit that to myself. After trying to forge through for a while longer, I reluctantly decided it was time to revisit that question and ask myself how I was making decisions about what to put on my priorities list.
The PACE method was born!
Step 1: Prioritize What Matters Most
Step 2: Assess Your Capacity (Be Honest!)
Step 3: Commitment Your Energy With Intention
Step 4: Enforce The Boundary
Step 1: Prioritize What Matters Most
Here’s where we can get in our own way. When we are operating from a place of seemingly limitless capacity, we can make a lot of things a top priority. Before my health shift (and before having kids, for that matter), my home environment was a top priority. I wanted a clear sink, clean floors, clean bathroom, no clutter… And obviously there’s not anything wrong with wanting those things. I still want them now!
But the reality became clear that if I chose to focus all my energy and capacity on something like the tidiness of my house, I would run out of capacity before I got to the things on my list that actually mattered more to me in the long run.
I began to see that an hour spent tidying the house became an hour less I had to spend with my children or work on my dissertation or lay on the couch and read.
So I started to ask myself - what is genuinely most important to me in terms of my long term goals and my values? And I started putting those things at the top of my list.
I still keep the house clean of course, but by relaxing the standards I was holding around that goal, I was able to find a more balanced middle ground of having a calm and clean home that is a safe space for me to enjoy time with my family.
Step 2: Assess Your Capacity (Be Honest!)
Now here’s where things start to get more challenging because I am notoriously bad at guessing my capacity or estimating how much energy a certain task or project or social engagement will take from me. It’s essential to first start with Step 1, and make sure you are clear on whether the task/project/activity you are considering actually matters to you in terms of your long term goals and your values.
If you decide, “yes, this thing I am considering actually does matter to me,” then the next thing to consider is how much capacity you are able to comfortably devote to this “yes” and whether there is anything else that will need to come off your plate in order to make room for this priority.
Let’s say you are having a high pain day. You would like to take care of the grocery shopping, but you also really want to go to your child’s soccer game. The first thing to consider is, if I don’t have limitless capacity, what is the thing that I want to make sure gets the majority of my energy today?
Get curious about how your realistic capacity influences what feels possible that day while first being honest with yourself about what is MOST important.
Here are some things I would ask myself to help make that decision: Is it crucial I grocery shop today or is this something that can wait until tomorrow? Can I possibly get help with this task? Maybe I could do a pick up instead of a walk through of the store? Or maybe I don’t do the full shop today - maybe I just grab a hot rotisserie chicken I can use to pull together a quick dinner?
Can I bring my own chair rather than sit on the bleachers at the game? Would it feel more supportive if I brought a few pillows with me to adjust myself? What items can I bring with me that would help with the pain levels? Would I feel more comfortable if I alternate standing with sitting or take a walk around the field during the game?
Step 3: Commit Your Energy With Intention
This step is really about considering how the high value activity (or activities - maybe they both really are urgent and important!) can take place within your actual capacity. Some days that might mean you don’t stay for the whole game, or it might mean you sit away from the other parents in a spot out of the sun where you have space to stretch out your legs. It could look like shifting the grocery shopping off your plate by deciding to order take out for dinner tonight and finish the actual shopping tomorrow after some rest.
Obviously we each have to work within not only our energetic capacity but also our financial and logistical capacity as well, so this will look different for everyone.
But the take away is, after you’re clear on what is important to you, get can creative about how you can support yourself while you participate. Let your honest priorities (not what you think you should prioritize) dictate your intentional actions.
Step 4: Enforce The Boundary
You might be thinking, “this all sounds great, but what do I do about feeling guilty when I set a limit or take something off my plate? Or what happens if I let someone down by not being able to attend?” This is so relatable. No one likes to let others down, especially those we love most. And often the people in our lives, no matter how much they love us, just don’t understand the mental math we are doing at all times trying to figure out how to save enough energy for all the things we want to do (and others want us to do).
Our energy is really precious, so we want to protect it from things that are less important so we have it available to us for the things that really matter. These are not necessarily easy decisions, though.
Sometimes we are choosing between things that seem like impossible choices, but what can happen then is that we overextend ourselves and crash - mentally, physically, emotionally. This is where the idea of the “empowered choice” and enforcing the boundary comes in. Once we decide what is of the highest value, we then must protect the energy we have devoted to our choice.
Putting PACE Into Practice
The choice of what is “most” important in each moment truly depends on so many variables and contexts. And of course, our capacity fluctuates day to day (hour to hour, even) with different events/actions/tasks requiring different levels of energy. Only you will have the full picture and all the available information that you need to make a decision.
Someone else with the exact situation and options you have might choose differently than you, and that’s OK. What’s important is that you feel confident with your decisions and align your mindset with that empowered choice.
Ask yourself, “If I say ‘yes’ to this, what am I saying ‘no’ to? And if I say ‘no’ to this, what ‘yes’ could that make space for?”
Let me know if you find the PACE Method helpful! You can use this free download for a quick reminder of the four steps of the PACE Method, and reach out to any time with questions, thoughts, wins, or support needs. I can’t wait to hear from you!
Happy PACEing!
Stephanie
